Whilst I Should be Sleeping

I am instead still awake…but I made a miraculous and heart wrenching discovery tonight. As I was surfing about on the internet to wind down from my near 12 hour day at work, I came across a website for a pub in West Yorkshire called The Grouse Inn. The photo of the inn on the page jumped out at me and slapped me across the face in a You’ve Been There Before kind of way…could that be the same pub where my family ate lunch 11 years ago and watched some Morris Dancers perform out in the parking lot after? Did I just happen to come across the same place on the internet?I decided to find out and hurriedly took all the wee vid-cam tapes to the den to try them in the VCR. I was sure that one of them would be our trip to England in 1995 (since I couldn’t lay my hands on my copy of the VHS copy right at that very moment). The first one I put in wasn’t of England at all, but a recording of my presentation about greyhounds for the retired crowd at Daddy’s church in Marietta, GA. Before I could really even take a deep breath, my Lizzard strolled across my TV screen.

Of course, being the strong and independent woman I am, my reaction was absolutely normal and expected. I sucked in my breath because at that moment I think everything just kinda stopped. When things/the world/my universe started back up again, I was sobbing and smiling. I had almost forgotten her stilted gait due to LS/DM, arthritis, and poor vision. Nearly gone from my memory was the way she would stretch out into a playbow before plopping down into the sphinx position.

And there she was, in second-gen VHS choppy and slightly blurry technicolor…and I haven’t seen anything that beautiful in a long time.

Miss you MommaDawg. Every Day.

Forget Regret

Do I regret not putting her on a raw diet sooner? Yes. Do I regret not swimming the deepest oceans for supplements for her joints, or not spending my entire paycheck on an ortho bed with a heater to make it easier for her to get up and down? Absolutely. Do I regret not having as much strength of character as she did, and not being able to be there for her at the end? More than I can say.

Did I regret those things when she was still with me, still nipping me on the back of my head and barking to let me know it was 4:30? No way. I cherished, loved, remembered, agonized over, and memorized every second I had with Lizzard. Today she would have been 16 years old. She died a year and eight days ago. And I miss her still, every day…

Happy Birthday, Momma Dawg. I miss you.

One Year Ago Today

I have never in my life felt this much pain, and she’s still here, she’s still snoozing on the floor like nothing is any different than it was yesterday. Only it is…

Yesterday she was going to the bridge on Saturday. Yesterday I had time, even though I really didn’t because I’ll be at Mountain Hounds in Gatlinburg starting tomorrow. Yesterday it wasn’t real.

Today it is real. She’s going to the bridge tomorrow. I sit here and I look at her there and it HURTS. I feel so guilty, she has no idea what is going to happen. She is going to be so happy to go in the car with her Daddy tomorrow night.

I just feel sick. Yesterday it was a dull ache. Today there is no air.

I love you baby girl. Please forgive me, for not being there tomorrow night…for doing this to you…for not doing more for you…for selfishly wanting you to stay…how will I know I’ve overslept? How will I know that the A/C is on too high? How will I know it’s time for doggie dinner?

What will I do at 4:30 on Monday, when no one barks?

What will I do without you?

For the first time…Click here to download “Lizzard’s Got A Way.” When I made this movie I kept it only for those closest to me that helped me through losing my old broad…but I want to share her with everyone now.

I love you, MamaDawg. Miss you. Awwooooof.

To My Hounds

BoBo – I miss how I’d hear your tags jingling when I put my key in the lock at the end of the day because you were the only one responsible enough to be allowed free reign of the house. The day you died was the last day I used the front door to come into the old house in Anderson.

Lizzard – I haven’t known when it’s 4:30pm since the day I left for Mountain Hounds because my Lizzard-Alarm is gone. Ask the others, they’ll tell you. I miss your big blind eyes staring at me till your nose figures out who I am and nips me on the nose like the disobediant pup I always am.

Profile – I love how you’ve managed to make a race track out of the 3 foot by 3 foot space in the guest room that has carpet, and how your eyes look when you lay your ears back and staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare at me.

Jeany – I love how you chatter your teefers like there’s an earthquake going on in your mouth and how when you perk your ears up your eyebrows follow suit.

Hunky – I love how after almost six years of being my protector, my lovey boy, my best friend and the other half of my brain…after six years, every time I lean down to hug you, you still stick your nose up into my hair right next to my neck, take a deep breath like you’re memorizing me, and sigh.